Sunday, February 28, 2010

What is there to say? I am blessed. (Of course.) I am loved. (As all people are.) I am unique. (Is there any other kind of 'individual'?)
At the end of the day it can be hard to compose what you are thinking into a legible arrangement of words. I often search for topics to rant on and find myself mid-page with nothing being said. Sometimes there is too much to say that saying nothing at all seems to be more understandable.
Well tonight I have something to say. I don't know which words to use or how to properly fix them in order to form complete coherency, but I'm going to make an attempt. It starts with this: God is truth.
That's it.
I doubt. I'm probably the biggest doubter you'll ever meet. I find reasons to doubt and allow myself to trudge forward, thinking I'm hopeless. But you know what, I don't serve a God that entertains doubt for long. As hard as I may try to cling to sin or force my mind to find a reason to stray from the faith, the Holy Spirit intercedes on my behalf and turns my face toward the very thing I tried desperately to avoid--truth.
It's beautiful, really. I serve a beautiful God. I serve a God that says, "You will be given a cross to bear, but my strength and miracles will be shown through it." I serve a God that says I will never be too far out of His reach. No amount of doubt or difficulty will overcome my mustard seed faith.
Tonight I've returned to my destiny. I've seen the God I serve. Tonight I live. That's pretty much it. But that's all there is.

Monday, February 22, 2010


This is what I am thinking about. I preoccupy my time with other people's thoughts. I delve into the caverns of minds that are not my own. I inherit the brains of those around me, connecting in a way that transcends normal barriers, seemingly becoming the person before me. I am me. I am you.
Who are we, anyway? Are we drones--distant aliens that inhabit a land not our own, ultimately following a path of strings that lead to our waste? Or are we sanctioned to be here, performing tasks of menial difficulty that will better serve the human race, whether that task be seen and heard or otherwise silent from the world?
Were we created or are we merely a regression of this universe that envelops us?
I think about these things. I think the things that your mind cautions you not to. I seek so that the answers I find will leave me seeking no more. And with this I have found that I find.
The question of God looms and booms in the back of our heads until we decay. We earnestly seek with faces of placidity, pretending we don't care if we find or not. We search for gods, but never God. We worship figments and fragments until our souls are spent. Twistingly, He is the Finder. The true Lord seeks those who protest against the waging war of the world and raise high the true flag of searching. Those who yell in the streets, "Where are you," are not merely heard, but are placed on such a street that they might be found.
The act of asking whether or not a god exists is proof enough for His existence. Why question the reality of an entity that has no proper reason for manifestation in the mind of drones unless such an existence is fortifiable? Here we find revelation. Divine revelation that we are not insane, but rather that, even in our limitedness, we have the capability to understand a Creator-God's voice.
I searched. I did not find. I toiled and lost. I sold my soul to others, in hopes of truth being gained. And then He searched for me. When I was weak enough to grasp only Him, I was found. I am strong now. But it's His strength.
I preoccupy my time with His thoughts. I am in a state of becoming. Not you or me, but the Church--we. 

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

incoherent thoughts on a coherent subject

Do you ever take time to look back at what all your life has accomplished? I can think of quite a few struggles that, at the time I was facing them, seemed absolutely insurmountable. Yet here I am today, not overcome, and continually resolute to remain that way.
I look back on the times before I knew Jesus Christ. Before I really knew him, and there is such a staunch difference between how easily I am able to overcome the things in my life that hold me back from true freedom and my lack of ability before. So many doubts and insecurities--now completely dissolved with the knowledge that a God came to this earth as a man so that I could be counted righteous. I'm holy. Me. This nut-case who deems herself despicable and disgusting so often. Yes. I am holy because I have chosen to serve the One who called me to such a standard.
And then I look at the world around me. Not the whole world, but the world in which I was raised and have grown. I have had so much access to the kingdom of God since I was child, through my family, school, and whatever else filled my time. Basically, I grew up in a very Christianized setting. Some people might scoff at this and recommend that is the reason I have acquired these beliefs of mine, but I would argue against that. I have seen the worst of Christianity. I have seen hypocrites. Lived with liars. Befriended thieves and cheaters, and all the while knew of their "relationship" with Christ.
But I've also seen another side. One marked with compassion and truth. One of a genuine spirit that gives off an aroma of righteousness. I know this spirit, and I knew it long before I met many of the people marked by its presence. I knew it from the Scriptures I grew up reading alongside all the fakes and phonies. Even if I haven't always witnessed it, I have now.
And for that, I appreciate Christianity. Even if I wasn't a believer, this whole faith has been the definition of my life. My friends, my schools, my hobbies--so many have been in this Christian setting. So much of who I am is based on who Christ was.
I'm looking back to what I have been in the past, not to be sentimental or regretful, or even to hold onto a visage of something that once was, but so that when I look forward I can better understand the distance between the two. The gap is spacious and the grace is wide. I'm not here because of me. I'm here because of the countless people who have crossed my path, sharing little by little this Message that turned out to be true. I'm here because a man lived over two thousand years ago professing to be something that all the other men around him couldn't deny. He changed me. He accomplished what I never could. I guess that's why he named himself 'Savior'. I guess that's why it's good to look back at the past.